Legion

Rated R

Runtime:100 min

A Fury of the Film Fan Review

           I was told the story of Noah's Ark many times growing up in my strict religious household. I don’t know what made my parents think this was a fitting bed time story. I mean going to sleep imagining the world being destroyed by God’s wrath isn’t something that screams “sweet dreams” but they felt compelled to make sure I went to sleep knowing I better not mess with the big guy less I get Pwned. For those who don’t know, the story of Noah tells the event in which mankind was so screwed up God had to flush everything like a big ol’ turd and just start over with the only family that actually cared about him. Everything got destroyed, man, woman, child, Hercules and dinosaurs. Everything was going the way of the dodo but thanks to Noah grabbing 2 of each animal mankind was saved and now we get beautiful rainbows to remind us of the massive destruction.

          The first books of the bible are full of events where it was pretty common to see God do some destroying.  Whether it was with raining fire and sulfur, opening a big hole in the ground or sending a single angel to kill a few hundred thousand men, God was always creative when it came to getting a message across. That all calmed down once Jesus died but there was one prophecy left, the big one, the mother lode and that was the Apocalypse.  

          This prophecy is the one for all the chips. It’s where God has one last hurrah and takes all the good people leaving the rest to be destroyed. The series of events for this prophecy can be found in the last book of the bible in Revelation. Many people have tried to make movies about this prophecy and frankly, I don’t know what book these guys are reading because they always have one angel trying to kill some baby that holds the key to mankind or something like that. I have actually read Revelation and I have never ever seen anything about a baby. Frogs yes, a harlot riding some kind of three headed lion sure, but never a baby! That surely would have stood out.I would have stopped and been like, "why does mankind lie at the hands of a damn baby?"

  Movies based on the apocalypse have nothing to do with Revelation at all and that is a shame. I always imagined how it would look if someone were to capture the visions in that book. The closest we came to that was when people thought the Cloverfield trailer was the rapture and were convinced the monster was a beast sent to destroy the wicked. A movie about Revelation would never fly for Hollywood, the ending is too much of a drag and way too preachy for people. So instead we get movies like Legion. A movie so confused it has no idea what message it wants to give. A movie that accomplishes nothing.  A movie so dumb and retarded that nobody could get mad at it cuz it would be like getting mad at someone who is in fact dumb and retarded.

Not really a cross but we get it buddy

Legion is another film in a long line of ridiculous attempts to tell the story of an upcoming apocalypse. This time an out-of-the-way diner becomes the unlikely battleground for the survival of the human race. When God loses faith in humankind, he sends his legion of angels to bring on the Apocalypse. Humanity's only hope lies in a group of strangers trapped in a desert diner with the Archangel Michael. Yes the Archangel Michael who also goes by the name Jesus when he’s rolling with some apostles and happens to be the son of God is on a mission to prove God wrong. I am convinced Writer and Director Scott Stewart had his own mission with this movie and that’s to make people hate God more than they already do.

Paul Bettany plays Michael and he does a fairly good job in demanding the screen presence. He cuts his wings, grabs some guns and get’s ready to make his point. Meanwhile, Gods Angels are busy possessing everybody in sight, turning their eyes black and teeth sharp.  Why a possession would instantly ruin good teeth is beyond me but it is effective when biting someone in the jugular which is something they do often. It’s like their go to move or something.  Legion combines various elements of different films together including The Prophecy and Assault on Precinct 13. The pacing for the film is acceptable and at least does a good job of keeping the screen busy with its various characters. Each of these characters has a way of illustrating the reason why mankind’s destruction needs to happen in Gods eyes. The horror element to this movie is the one thing that might appease to some crowds. Those willing to completely ignore story and logic will find some entertainment in this movie. The film does do a good job of giving that claustrophobic against the odds feel and you do wonder how it will all play out.

Take my word for it, it doesn’t play out well. Legion presents ideas then tosses them aside. It never explains key elements of the film.  It only takes time out to preach its typical vague message of what is right and what the righteous are entitled to if they believe and frankly I am just tired of that stuff. At least Alex Proyas had the balls to take it to the next level with the ending for his film Knowing. Coupled with some unimpressive action scenes and all you really have is some bloody horror elements that might appease those seeking strictly a visual experience. 

No Fury Award ( * 1/2 )